Currently in South Africa we have some 24 million singles (well over half of our adult population) and marriage statistics continue their rapid decline, with more people waiting longer to tie the knot, if ever. Top reasons South African singles give for delaying marriage are: “Desire for independence; self-esteem and relationship reluctance; economic and social reasons; past relationships and fear of commitment”. All four of these reasons have one thing in common: they are usually selfish excuses. It is no minor offense to reject God’s good institution of marriage, His wise creation ordinance that is the cornerstone of civilisation and the primary building block for all of society. A nation rises or falls based on its view of marriage.
Hardly a week passes that I do not see or hear about another godly young lady nearing the end of her child-bearing years and desiring marriage, yet still waiting in vain for a husband. How long, O Lord, until the men wake up and see their need for a wife, until they open their eyes to the beauty and goodness of Your design for marriage and family? Have men outsmarted their Creator and now revised His Word by saying, “It is good for man to be alone”? Is this our Protestant version of Rome’s unbiblical vows of celibacy, where singleness becomes more spiritual than marriage? (See 1 Tim. 4:1-6 which refutes all forms asceticism and forbidding of marriage.)
Both Jesus and Paul affirm that there is only one good reason for staying single: “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven”, for a missionary calling or during fierce persecution and “distress” (Matt. 19:12; 1 Cor. 7:29-35). That kind of necessary, gospel celibacy is a very unique, special “gift” and calling from God (1 Cor. 7:7,20,24). But all other forms of singleness are not a gift, but a hard trial.
God’s grace is all-sufficient for the lonely burden of singleness; but we should not air-brush or gloss it over as a blessing, when God’s Word clearly shows it is an unnatural affliction that violates His design for our sexuality (Gen. 2:18-25; Matt. 19:3-6). Never does Scripture call a barren womb a blessing (1 Sam. 1-2; Ps. 113:9). In the case of an eligible bachelorette whom blind and immature men fail to pursue, it is one of God’s “thorns” beyond her control, and He will enable her to be content and use her singleness for Him (2 Cor. 12:9-10; Php. 4:11-13; 1 Cor. 7:29-35). In the case of passive men failing to pursue marriage, it is a self-imposed curse (1 Pet. 2:20; 4:15). But in neither case is it some ‘gift of singleness’, as some mistakenly label it.
For members in good standing in their local churches, here are eight unbiblical reasons for staying single. These warnings especially apply to Christian men who have a job, are able to provide for a wife, but don’t pursue marriage; yet many of these cautions also apply to single ladies who’ve been playing hard-to-get for too long. By the grace of God and godly counsel and effort, you can learn to break any of these bad habits and overcome these excuses; but only after you first identify and renounce them.
(1) Unrealistic expectations – Is no one good enough to meet your standards of perfect character? As if you are the perfect spouse?! As the book title sums up well, Christian marriage is When Sinners Say, ‘I Do’, when two very imperfect people, by the power of God’s Spirit, learn to love each other as Christ loved the Church (Eph. 5:18-33). Mature believers do not wait to find a soul mate; they get married in the Lord and learn to become soul mates.
(2) External focus – Are you more concerned about their looks than their character? That can be selfish lust more than biblical love.
(3) Fear of commitment – Are you married to your own selfish autonomy and individualism? Do you have more of a consumer view of marriage rather than the biblical, covenantal view of a deep unity through self-giving?
(4) Selfish habits – Are you hooked on your own immature or ungodly habits: porn, video games, endless hobbies, travel, etc.? Have you allowed our culture of endless information, entertainment and diversions to distract you from the clear, biblical priority of marriage and starting a family?
(5) Paralysed by your past – Maybe you grew up in a home full of conflict, watching a miserable marriage end in an ugly divorce or cold standoff? Or perhaps other past hurts or failures have left you nervous about ever marrying? But if you are truly saved, Jesus is your Lord, not your past. God’s Word defines you, not your hurt or emotions. The gospel is your identity, not the abuse or pain you’ve faced, nor your own failures (Tit. 2:11-14; Gal. 2:20). His grace is sufficient, our hope for change is real as Christians (2 Cor. 5:17; 12:9-10). The tomb is empty, Jesus is alive, and in Him you are an overcomer, “more than a conqueror” (Rom. 8:18-39).
(6) Laziness – Are you avoiding the sacrifice, hard work and effort required in marriage? In Proverbs, that person is called a “sluggard” (Prov. 6:6-8; 13:4; 20:4). It’s also robbing your own parents, your church and your community of godly offspring, of more disciples of Christ, of the salt and light so badly needed in our dark and decaying culture (Mal. 2:14; Matt. 5:13-16; 28:18-20). You wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for marriage, so you owe it to the next generation.
(7) Materialism – Are you afraid of any financial instability, instead of trusting God to provide and working hard? Beware of materialism and affluenza (Matt. 6:20-24). Ironically, those who do marry are far more likely (statistically) to be financially stable.
(8) Career-olatry – Are you making an idol out of your career, instead of living for biblical priorities, and seeing the high value and big price tag that our Maker puts on marriage?
Perhaps a 9th excuse could be, ‘I am pursuing marriage, but keep getting rejected!’ But make sure you ditch the dating apps and let your local church do the matchmaking as they truly get to know you. Where better to find a godly spouse if not in a healthy church (or through recommendations between likeminded churches)? Good pastoral counsel is also available for the African context in dealing with common cultural barriers to marriage (e.g., lobola, family pressure, etc.).
I love the way one wise pastor put it, “Seven Reasons Young Men Should Marry Before Their 23rd Birthday”. That’s a preacher who takes the Bible seriously about the blessings of marrying young and having lots of children (Psalms 127-128). That’s a loving shepherd who specifically “points the way” toward godly choices and right priorities (1 Tim. 4:6; 5:14; Titus 2). Our Puritan forefathers saw “undue delay of marriage” as a violation of the 7th Commandment, a snare to the soul, a tempting of both God and man, and a potential cause for suspension from the Lord’s Table or church discipline.
In the past three years, my wife and I have had the great joy of seeing our three older children marry young (at ages 21, 20, and 19). Of course it isn’t easy letting them go, but that’s what we raised them for – “arrows” are meant to be sent (Ps. 127:5). Our church in Johannesburg built a beautiful sanctuary with also this aim in mind – celebrating as many weddings together as possible with our church family. Local churches must be loving islands of biblical hope amid the raging seas of a hateful society attacking the home. We must be lighthouses of sexual purity that shine all the brighter as our immoral world gets darker.
Our children and grandchildren must grow up seeing lots of worshipful weddings, happy couples, and fruitful families.
Married life is God’s norm for most believers and is a noble, high and holy calling – “to be held in honour among all” (Heb. 13:4). Yes, this should include rigorous pre-marital counselling (ensuring eligibility, etc.); here is my first homework assignment for every couple.
To my younger brothers in the Lord, I especially say: ‘Soldiers of Christ, arise and go fetch a bride! Man up, be strong and courageous, for the Lord is with you’ (Josh. 1:8-9). “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord” (Prov. 18:22).